A SNAP election? Will someone define ‘snap’ please, because by tea-time on Tuesday I was ready to put knitting needles through my eardrums to silence the din of meaningless blather.
Snap? That means an election next week, or possibly the week after (to coincide with the local elections and save a fortune – far too sensible for our politicians).
But seven weeks hence? That’s got about as much snap to it as Nora Batty’s tights. Back in the good old days of Empire we could conquer entire continents in less time.
I ask – is there a single one of you whose vote is going to be swayed by seven weeks of huffing, puffing and nonsense rhetoric?
The BBC was in full panty-wetting mode within the hour. All across the Arctic, polar bears were keeling over, suffocated by the mega-volumes of meaningless hot air wafting up from the UK chattering classes.
And if the prospect of nearly two months of interminable nonsense doesn’t make you despair sufficiently, try this on for size:
In the famous words of the late, not quite great Paul Daniels, “You’ll like this – not a lot!”
Because I have an idea how Jeremy Corbyn could feasibly win the election.
What’s that you say? Keep it to myself and let the mad Marxist sink without trace so that Labour can start again?
If you think that’s the likely outcome of a Conservative landslide, you have another think coming because the Labour Party as we all variously remember it is as dead as Monty Python’s parrot.
Done, dead, turned its toes up, off its perch. A former parrot. Deceased.
Just as all Paul Daniels’ accumulated magic tricks can’t raise him from the ground, so the Labour Party of Keir Hardie and Ramsay MacDonald, of Harold Wilson and Tony Blair – as radically different as those men were – is on its back in the morgue.
If a British centre-left movement is to rise again, I can’t see it being via a Labour Party controlled by the current gang of intellectual pygmies – tiny talents with giant egos.
You see, they’ve had a taste of power and that’s mightily addictive. They have the trades union mob behind them and they couldn’t let go if they wanted.
They will go down fighting over the bones of the once proud Labour Party.
Down the ages it’s been the storied blight of the working classes, good and honest men and women whose shoulders bear the bootprints of socialist despots from Stalin and Castro, to class haters like John McDonnell and Len McCluskey.
Backs bent in honest toil, clambered over by ‘brothers’ silently intent on cementing their own supremacy.
LABOUR'S shadow education secretary is Angela Rayner, a trade union hack who left high school as a teenage mum with no GCSEs.
No offence to young women of similar misfortunes, but do you really want a peddler of semi-literate propaganda – and she is seriously thick – deciding how your kids are taught?
Labour insiders are even talking Rayner up as a potential leader. Lord help us – someone we can’t be sure is able to tie her own shoelaces, running the country? That’s how low Labour have sunk.
Class hypocrite and race bigot Diane Abbott hates the nation and 90 per cent of the people in it. But boy, she loves power and privilege.
Shadow Foreign Secretary Emily Thornberry meanwhile is a human rights lawyer who you may recall mocks anyone with a white van and a union flag. Very working class.
So how can I remotely suggest that Corbyn could fashion a miraculous win on June 8? How on earth could he achieve a resurrection of Christ-like proportions?
Here’s how: If Corbyn can convince his acolytes to accept Theresa May’s challenge to make June 8 entirely about Brexit, he could create political carnage.
Imagine Labour – without backing Leave or Remain – standing on a one-issue platform of giving the UK a second referendum.
Labour’s hard core of Leave voters would turn against them? How? All the evidence is that they already have. Labour MPs wouldn’t countenance it? Listen, one common ideology unites these people – greed, ambition and the fear of losing their seats and careers.
All bets would be off.
Corbyn and his cat-fighting PLP (Parliamentary Labour Party) were squabbling all Tuesday night over how to take the fight to Mrs May.
Education? Can I reference Angela Rayner again? The NHS? For sure, Labour can throw money at anything – until the piggybank’s empty and they run out of wealth producers to pillage.
RECEIVED wisdom is that Labour are unelectable and we’re heading for a Tory landslide of 100 to 140 seats.
If they stick to talking up public budgets (they’d bust the country) an outlandish minimum wage (they’d shut thousands of small businesses) and insisting they are the party of the downtrodden (most of whom won’t work and don’t vote) those landslide predictions will come true.
Or they could go nuclear, sacrifice traditional politics, their own principles such as they have any, and risk even bloodier civil war within the party by appealing to the huge, sulking and skulking Remain lobby.
One Labour manifesto pledge would do it – another EU referendum in September if Labour is in power or in coalition with the Dim Libs.
It would be a betrayal of everything most Labour MPs voted for so recently in approving the Brexit bill, but so what? The darling bud of May herself promised no general election until 2020.
The gloves are off, and who listens to politicians’ promise anyway?
It would explode a bomb under British politics and could result in civil strife – but don’t think that will influence the self-interest of MPs with careers on the line.
I hope Mrs May has judged this right, but it wouldn’t be the only political thunderbolt of recent times.
Thankfully for her Corbyn isn’t clever enough to re-draw the battle lines.
JUST a thought. Has anyone else wondered why Labour voted en masse to walk off the edge of a cliff? They could have blocked this election if they’d wanted, given that Theresa May needed a two thirds majority in the House.
I know Corbyn is a proclaimed brother of half the world’s terrorists, but why is he in such a rush to detonate the ceremonial suicide vest they must have given him?
Under the status quo in Parliament Mrs May faces a lousy ride through Brexit and, once concluded, just 12 months to hope and pray for a bounce.
But this way she negotiates Brexit under her own steam and still has a good three years to make it stick – all with a big enough majority to bring back hanging if she so desired.
So why, Labour, why?
On Corbyn, McDonnell and Abbott’s part I can only think it’s macho masochism. Backing down from a fight hurts a lot more than any bloody nose or black eye and Corbyn’s socialist ultras are deluded enough to believe they are in with a fighting chance
As for the rump of the Labour Party, I can only think they’re willing to accept a wipe-out in order to be shot of Jezza. The thing is, I can see them in dole queue with him still serenely sailing along, ignorant to the wreckage in his wake.
Strange times indeed.
MRS LOCKWOOD nearly had kittens on Tuesday lunchtime when she texted about the PM calling an election and I replied ‘I know, I can’t decide whether to stand in Dewsbury or Batley’.
I half-expected to find my bags packed and on the front doorstep when I got home.
I read a news website which had Paula Sherriff’s Dewsbury and Mirfield constituency as the Tories’ top target seat. It won’t be if they can’t find a better candidate than the dismal SImon Reevell was. Giving Coun Martyn Bolt a run would put Miss Sherriff in real hot water.
As for Batley and Spen – if the Tories pick Imtiaz Ameen again, even I’ll go out campaigning for Tracy Brabin.