Ed Lines

WAY-HAAY! Vote Labour! Lordy, I have seen the light!

All of these years as a ‘small’ businessman labouring (pardon the pun) under the duplicitous Blairites and conniving Cameroons when all I ever really needed was a loony left socialist like John McDonnell!

Are you familiar with McDonnell, Jeremy Corbyn’s shadow chancellor?

He may well be the political Marx/Trotsky to Jezza’s Lenin, but right now he’s my hero. I kid you not.

If we get a Labour government – true, it’s a bit of a big ‘if’ – but if we do, then Old McDonnell is going to make sure every little piggy, sheep and chuck-chuck on the farm gets a minimum wage of £10 an hour.

And with the hours I put in during a week, that’s an approximate doubling of my current wage! Where have these guys been all my business life?

Beg pardon? What’s that you say? They’ve had their idiotic heads up their communist wotsits all of my business life?

Ah yes, I see. In reality – a place far from the dreamworld these clowns inhabit – there’s not a cat in hell’s chance of me getting my tenner an hour.

You see, being the boss, I’m the last man paid. I sometimes get the proverbial scrattings from the cat’s litter tray. Other times it’s champagne. Mostly it’s a bit in the middle, but you never can tell.

One thing is for sure however – in a small business, which is what underpins this country’s economy, not every job is a tenner-an-hour job.

Oh sure, everyone deserves their tenner an hour, I’m not arguing that.

But then again we all deserve to live a healthy and contented life for at least our three-score-and-ten.

We all deserve to find true love; we all deserve a new iPhone, poor kids deserve a new bike and Playstation … blah de blah de blah.

Except life isn’t quite like that, sadly.

So yes Mr McDonnell, I can give everyone a tenner-an-hour minimum wage if your new Marxist government insists. Get this though – the very next week I’ll have to make half of them redundant. I’ll have to trim the business right back to basics, just to survive.

Now, I know that you and Comrade Corbyn think that anyone who isn’t in a trade union is a thieving capitalist pig, but even financial morons like you chaps must realise that if a million people are suddenly thrown on the dole, then the benefits bill will go through the roof, the economy will go into recession and tax revenues will shrink.

We’ve already heard their solution to that, which is when it gets really scary. Labour plans to borrow £100 BILLION, apparently because interest rates are so low (in which case let’s all fill our boots, why don’t we?)

There speak Corbyn and McDonnell the true socialists – economic illiterates who’ll be long gone by the time our kids and grandkids have to pay for their madcap profligacy.

But hey, they and their trades union mafia dons will have made their point, which is actually what this is about – bringing down a successful, democratic, capitalist system.

They’ll do it out of spite for their own pathetic shortcomings and out of solidarity with a communist ideal that was discredited decades ago.

And we thought the Americans had it bad with Donald and Hillary.

HOT FAVOURITE to be new Batley & Spen MP Tracy Brabin has made an ‘interesting’ start to her political career. Cosying up to Jeremy Corbyn at the Labour Party Conference? I wonder what Jo Cox would have made of that.

We put a question to Ms Brabin’s team about where she stands on Corbyn’s leadership – answer was there none, which speaks volumes.

In the immediate aftermath of Jo Cox’s brutal murder I applauded the decision of the mainstream parties not to contest the seat. But time passes, circumstances change and today’s political landscape is vastly different.

I understand why the Tories,  Lib Dems and UKIP couldn’t go back on their pledge, but I suspect both democracy – and possibly Batley & Spen – might suffer the consequences.

THERE are a number of reasons why Sam Allardyce has ended up being the shortest-lived England football manager. It will be of little consolation that he departs as possibly the only manager in sporting history to get the sack with a 100% record.

Here are a few of the reasons the likeable if rogueish Sam is out on his ear. Firstly, he is unbelievably stupid – and no, I’m not even describing the long-ball, third division ‘tactics’ he favours.

I mean as in being as thick as he looks. That’s a mush that belongs to one of the lesser Dingles on Emmerdale, if ever I saw one. Numbskull. Sam presumably never received one of those emails saying he’s won £150m in the Ugandan lottery. Pssst. Sam. If it looks, sounds and seems too good to be true, then it is. Only an idiot would fall for it.

And presumably his mother never told Sam not to talk to strangers either. Because if blokes you’ve never heard of suddenly come promising riches, keep your hand on your wallet and your buttocks to the wall, Sammy boy.

Then there’s greed. Plain, unadulterated, snout in the trough greed. As if Sam Allardyce hasn’t already been generously remunerated for a career whose successes can be described as ‘modest’ at best – and then he lands £3 million a year to coach England! That’s your lottery ticket right there, pal. But it wasn’t enough. He wanted more. And now he’s got sod all.

And finally there’s corrupt. Bent. What he did might not constitute being criminal, but whether or not football clubs have too much money for their own good, it’s theirs – not managers who know a clever scam or two.

And the one reason for Sam’s downfall that absolutely doesn’t stick, is the one that he blamed – that he was the ‘victim’ of a newspaper sting.

Really? A stupid, privileged, greedy man tries to defraud the system and we’re supposed to feel sorry for him? That’s like a burglar blaming the police for finding his fingerprints.

As with the scandal of the MPs’ expenses, I congratulate the  Telegraph for a great piece of investigative journalism.

I doubt that they picked Sam Allardyce as a target for their investigations by accident. No smoke without fire and all that – and I am stone-cold certain there are plenty of other likely culprits spread around the higher reaches of the sport, too. And not just football, either.

I sincerely hope the Telegraph have some other ‘targets’ in the bag, because if the police and the organisations involved are effectively complicit in the deceit, than thank heaven we still have newspapers willing to do something about it.

Apart from anything else, it might be the best thing to happen to the England football team in quite a while.


I REMEMBER going into The Scarborough in Westtown – aka Luppy’s – when Terry Dewhirst was the landlord, and asking for a half of bitter. TD promptly poured a pint.

“I only asked for a half,” I protested, but not strenuously enough to upset him. It didn’t take much to upset him.

“You’ll have a bloody pint,” stuttered Terry. When you say they don’t make ‘em like that any more, I think it’s fair to say in TD’s case that they never made ‘em like that before, either. A one off.

Anyway, his good pal Tony Jones has asked me to alert Terry’s old pub, rugby and betting pals that he’s currently resident in the Asquith Hall care home in Todmorden. If you’re in the locality I’m sure he’d appreciate a visit.

KIDS know how to live it up these days.

A friend’s daughter (18) and her pal flew into Dublin last Friday teatime, went on the razzle until the clubs shut, had a nap back at the airport and were home for breakfast – and their £20 flights worked out only slightly more than a taxi from their usual night out. It makes a knees-up down Batley’s Golden Mile and a mucky kebab look a bit ordinary.

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