Ed Lines

LAUGH? In the early hours of last Friday morning I was chuckling so heartily that I nearly swallowed my false teeth. And I don’t even have any!

It’s been many a year since I last toasted the skies with a glass of the good stuff as the sun rose in the east.

In those dim, distant, fondly remembered days, it would have been me and my old mate ‘Tykes’ sitting by the lake in one of the Crow Nest Park shelters, serenading the ducks as dawn broke.

There were no Rogers and Hammerstein tunes last Friday morning. Mrs L wouldn’t have seen the funny side, understandably. When she took to her bed on Thursday night, Paddy Ashdown was still offering to eat his hat if exit polls showing his Lib Dems in meltdown weren’t total bolleaux.

Well, if you’re short of a titfer Paddy, I have an old flat cap that next door’s cat uses when the ground’s too frosty to scratch a hole. I won’t need it back.

One by one, the users and abusers of public trust walked on stage hoping to be anointed, only to be made to kneel and put their heads on the electoral chopping block.

Economic vandal Ed Balls – gone. British traitor George Galloway – gone. Back-stabbing hypocrite Vince Cable – see ya later.

It was funnier than a Morecambe and Wise box set. At one point I was in danger of damping down.

Three days later, the Liberal Democrat Voice website announced that “over 2,000 people joined the party yesterday”.

I can only imagine the party involved lots of singing, dancing and drinking round various park lakes.

I’ve long said I’d want a Lib Dem voter as a neighbour. Nice people, community-oriented, they’d put your bins out etc etc.

But that five year long Lib Dem mantra of making a sacrifice to save the nation was roundly rejected by the British people last week. We’re not as daft as we look.

Clegg, Cable, Alexander and Co, did not ‘save’ us from Government paralysis by selling their souls to form a coalition. They succumbed to the irresistible temptation to dip their snouts in the Westminster trough.

They couldn’t resist the lure of ministerial posts and self importance – unheard of for a Liberal since David Lloyd George became their last Prime Minister in 1916.

Lloyd George mortally wounded the party in that process, too. And he had a nice sideline selling peerages, ironically, because Clegg’s crew, despite being supposedly anti-House of Lords, have filled the red benches with their muckers, and will be at the head of the queue when the next honours list is compiled. Hypocrites and liars.

The simple fact is that the Lib Dems could have moderated the Tories’ worst excesses from the back benches, abstaining, opposing or supporting legislation on its merits. That would have been democracy in action.

They could have kept their honour and political integrity. But nope, the seductive lure of power was too much.

So bye-bye Cleggy and Co. You really won’t be missed. And if our honest, heartfelt  Lib Dem members feel overwhelmed and need to drown their sorrows late into the night, can I ask that they stay away from Crow Nest Park.

Don’t go upsetting the ducks.

DAVID CAMERON meanwhile is one lucky bloke. And no, I don’t mean in winning an outright majority, which is great for his Tory pals, but a massive headache for his successor.

Cameron is lucky because he’s already said he won’t stand again; that he’ll do a Blair – who passed the poison chalice to the moronic, grasping Gordon Brown. Smarmy Dave will retire ‘not out’.

Even as Cameron and his cabinet revel in their good fortune, the national debt is rising.

Thousands of pounds a second. We have worse levels of debt-to-GDP than bankrupt Greece, Ireland or Spain. Really? Yes really.

All those promises – an extra £8bn for the NHS; no income tax, VAT or National Insurance rises; Dave didn’t expect to have to keep them. He expected to either be in opposition or another coalition.

And in the event of Coalition II, it would have been … “We Tories wouldn’t have increased taxes, but the Coalition unfortunately has to”.

An easy slither out of the manifesto pledges.

But now the Tories, with their unexpected majority, are stuck with them. They have a majority. No excuses, no awkward coalition partners to blame.

Tick-tock, tick-tock, we borrow by the second.

This is going to be a very short honeymoon.

CLOSER to home the police sent a file to the Crown Prosecution Service about the ‘treating’ allegations against Imtiaz Ameen and the Batley and Spen Conservatives, following their lavish affair at the Al-Hikmah Centre.

Predictably, the CPS sat on the report until after Ameen failed in his battle with Labour’s Jo Cox, so now they can just stuff it in the file marked ‘No Further Action’.

And on polling day itself, the police were allegedly called to deal with our old friend Terry Zaman, because of his activities outside the Warwick Road polling station.

I understand Zaman was moved on.

We asked police for a comment but funnily enough, they had no record of it!

Slap my thigh and go to the foot of our stairs … you don’t say.

CONGRATULATIONS to Paula Sherriff and Jo Cox, the Labour ladies who have been given a clear mandate to bring positive change for this part of the world.

We’ll gladly offer them a platform to share news of their endeavours, thoughts, political trials and tribulations, with the people of Dewsbury and Mirfield, Batley and Spen.

We wish them well, we’ll be as helpful as we can – but will hold them as equally to account as departed part-timer Simon Reevell and socialist muppet Mike Wood.

I’m sure we’ll all get along fine with no call for such petty name-calling!

Meanwhile I can’t help wonder what Sayeeda Warsi made of Dewsbury South returning Nosheen Dad as its Labour councillor. Nosheen was student president of Huddersfield Uni last year and clearly looks like a young lady going places.

So much for Sayeeda’s assertion that she was “too brown” for half the electorate and “too female” for the rest. It was no mean feat to oust long-time Tory man Salim Patel, very much part of the Savile Town in-crowd. Good luck to the lass.

TEE-HEE! I’m listening to Jeremy Vine on Radio 2 and there’s a “very socialist” woman on the phone who “finks” she’s going to emigrate because of the way the vote went, but doesn’t know where to go.

Hey, I’ll throw a few quid in Paddy Ashdown’s hat for you darling. How about North Korea? Cuba?

I’m running out of ideas after that though, because virtually every ‘socialist’ country on the planet has turned out to be a vicious, morally and economically bankrupt dictatorship. A bit like North Korea and Cuba.

But here’s a thought – ISIS are still recruiting and you socialists love those misunderstood guys.

What, you can’t afford to go? Your benefits won’t stretch to emigration? Shame.

LOOK, I’m no oil painting. A face like a blind blacksmith’s thumb. But have you seen the state of that character who’s been titillating the Speaker’s wife, Sally Bercow?

I’d have thought Alan Bercow would struggle to buy a knee-trembler, let alone lift the nighty of his cousin’s far younger, reasonably attractive (even if barking mad) missus.

He looks like an extra from The Hobbit – not too unlike cousin John. But at least the Speaker of the House has a full head of his own hair, even if he has to stand on a buffet to do the washing up.

Hey ho, wonders never cease.

But what I really, really don’t get, is why any self-respecting woman would then take back such a bloke.

The news has been full of Alan Bercow’s wife’s triumphalism at winning him back from lusty Sal.

Really? My wife would go and buy a couple of rottweilers just to set them on me, if I tried that a stunt like that. And with your cousin’s wife, no less?

It’s a different world, that there London, it really is. They have no shame.

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