Ed Lines

IF YOU hadn’t already noticed, it doesn’t take too much to get me frothing at the mouth, like Victor Meldrew chewing a bar of Imperial Leather.

I’m getting a bit old for throwing the telly through the front window or kicking the neighbour’s cat round the garden, when upset at the bullshine spouted by politicians.

However I can still occasionally have a dicky fit and gesticulate, with bulging eyes, at the sound or sight of some brass-necked joker extracting the Michael beyond the limit.

But last Sunday took the biscuit. Took the biscuit? That execrable Nicola Sturgeon took the full biscuit tin – Jaffa Cakes, Jammie Dodgers, Bourbons, the lot.

There’s probably a line somewhere in her Bond-villain plan for taking over the UK forcing Fox’s Biscuits to produce only oatcakes and Scottish shortbread.

Margaret Thatcher drove through Dewsbury once in the 1980s while I was cleaning the windows at the old Gas Showrooms. I gave her a multi-fingered salute, probably wisely resisting the urge to empty my bucket of water in the general direction of her passing motor.

If that witch Sturgeon ever came through town I wouldn’t hesitate to lump the bucket, ladder and window cleaning pole through her car windscreen.

Who the hell does this Scottish harridan think she is?

Sunday’s proclamation from the SNP First Minister, who is not even standing for Parliament, suggested ‘helping’ we poor northern Englishers, once the SNP holds power.

Now, there are lots of things Yorkshiremen (and women) don’t particularly like, not least our noisy neighbours on t’other side of the Pennines. Geordies and Scousers are alright in small doses. And speaking personally I’m quite fond of the ‘Marras’ of Cumbria.

But what I suspect all of we ‘poor northerners’ have in common is a fierce, absolute loathing of being patronised.

It’s bad enough from snotty southerners – but who are these Scottish upstarts to anoint us with their benevolence? To suggest they’ll ‘look after’ us?

Here’s a better idea, you Jimmy-Krankie-looking, fish-named and fish-faced rabble-rouser: let’s just axe the Barnett formula so that your 5.3 million Sweaty Socks get exactly the same Government funding as the three million Welsh, the 1.8 million Northern Irish – and all of England, not least the 5.3 million people of Yorkshire.

There are actually more people in God’s Broad Acres than in Scotland, the home of little more than sheep, whisky and cirrhosis of the liver. They haven’t even a decent sports team in the entire country.

And they’re going to give us a break, are they?

No thanks. I’d rather contribute a wagonload of bricks towards the rebuilding of Hadrian’s Wall.

AN IMPORTANT question that I’ve not seen addressed in the election campaign – on top of the ones I raised last week about our £1.5 trillion debt, immigration and defence – concerns the rise of the SNP in Scotland.

We know it’s happening – but why? Last year 55% of Scots voted to reject independence and keep the Union. I suspect too many people south of the border misjudged that as some sign of affection for their English cousins.

Clearly not. Those 55% simply didn’t fancy the risk of Sturgeon’s nutcases leading them to financial ruin. It was an entirely selfish choice, not a vote of confidence in we fools who fund Scotland’s wastrel ways.

Now that 55% is free to switch allegiance to the SNP in order to twist England’s arm further up its back, to blackmail more coin for them. The best of both worlds, in short.

There is no altruism in politics and little enough in life, unless people are doing charitable deeds.

“What’s in it for me” is not just a state of mind amongst city bankers and NHS Trust chief executives.

It’s what fuels Union leaders, shop stewards, teachers and police officers – and in this cynical example, most of the Scottish nation.

Unfortunately for we English, they have the best of both worlds at Holyrood and Westminster – and we get the brown end of the sh***y stick, every which way.

THERE’S no fool like an old fool. That’ll be Locky, then. BBC Radio 4 asked to interview me in Dewsbury market on Wednesday regarding the idea of there being such a thing as ‘the Muslim vote’.

I was chuckling as we chatted because a member of the Savile Town mafia spotted me and stood with his back to us, all of 18 inches away, pretending to be on his mobile, but clearly ear-wigging. He wouldn’t have learned much. And I don’t learn much, either.

The interview was a topical conversation given the Terry Zaman/Imtiaz Ameen shenanigans and my comments weren’t anti-this or that; I was just explaining how you can get a 100% swing in a vote and what the political and social implications are for a divided town like Dewsbury. It’s not rocket science. Not even controversial.

By the time the programme aired that night however they might as well just have had me read a nursery rhyme, then chop out the words to form the sentences they wanted. I recognised my voice despite the obvious editing, and even the brief soundbites – but it was barely related to what we’d been talking about. Never again...

TERRY ZAMAN doesn’t speak to us, not surprisingly, so we can only wonder at the Damascene conversion he’s had, apparently punting Tory candidate Imtiaz Ameen round the Muslim brothers of Batley and Heckmondwike.

It’s only weeks since he and Shahid Malik were doing the same for Labour council candidate Paul Moore in Dewsbury West. Hey, that’s an idea – maybe Moore should consider a conversion of his own – he’d certainly look a damn sight better clad in black from head to toe.

My money however, is on Zaman being just as successful with Imtiaz as he was with both Malik and Moore.

Don’t give up the day job Terry. Whatever it is, this week...

IF THERE wasn’t a general election, neither David Cameron nor Ed Miliband would waste a glass of champagne putting you out if you were on fire.

They care exclusively for themselves and their coterie of metropolitan friends.

That’s why they’ll promise everything except a massage with a ‘happy ending’ from their missus to get your vote (although by next week a night in the sack with Samantha might even be on the menu. Not for everyone –  what do you take the PM for? – maybe one lucky punter’s name drawn out of a hat).

There’s a slight difference where Nick Clegg is concerned. If Nick had his way, we would be governed by Brussels. He believes in the EU far more passionately than the UK.

Again, because quite selfishly it would secure the personal ambitions of Clegg and his inner circle.

It’s an important point in view of the Tory panic about Nicola Sturgeon running the UK by shoving her arm up Miliband’s jacksy and working him like a glove puppet.

You see, it’s only one step removed from the influence German chancellor Angela Merkel has over Clegg and his Europhiles.

Clearly the BBC wouldn’t Frau Merkel airtime to click her heels and bark “vote for Herr Clegg!” Not yet at least. But if we ever we get a referendum on leaving the EU, don’t rule it out.

I’ve been driven to distraction by the disproportionate amount of publicity Sturgeon has been given, especially as it’s playing into the hidden agenda of a woman who isn’t even standing for our  Parliament.

I don’t think she and Alex Salmond realistically think they can effectively control the Government by holding Labour to ransom.

They’re just whipping up race-hate among the English, making more and more outrageous statements deliberately intended to increase resentment of Scotland and division within the Union.

I said when they lost the independence vote it was only the start of hostilities. I’ve neither seen nor heard anything since to indicate otherwise.

IT’S a shame there’s no box on a Kirklees ballot form to tick for the candidates you’d most like thrown in the Calder, as well as the one getting your vote. Mirfield folk would be spoiled for choice.

Retaining his deposit would be a result for Green Party candidate Nick Whittingham – but do the airy-fairies realise who they’d be voting for? When he stood for the council in Moseley (Birmingham) he described himself as a graduate of the “class war and poll tax riots”. A peaceful chap then.

I wonder if Whittingham’s election bumf mentions that he was the lawyer who fought for Savile Town woman Aishah Azmi’s right to wear the niqab in the classroom?

Vote Green, get red-flag, left-wing zealot.

As for Labour candidate Patrick ‘two-faced’ Dennehy. It’s a wonder he can break away from making coochy-coochy eyes at his heroine Coun Karen Rowling long enough to shove a leaflet through a letterbox.

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