Ed Lines

A NUMBER of people are still eagerly awaiting the outcome of various inquiries into Shahid Maliks financial carryingson.
Will he be fully held to account for his various expenses shenanigans? I wouldnt put any of my money on it. And he doesnt strike me as the kind of character to lose a minutes sleep anyway.
Those issues apart, Im still waiting to hear if any action will be taken about some of the things Malik told the judge and jury at our trial in 2007, and which the cold light of his expenses claims have shown to be fanciful at best, and cold, calculated lies at worst, as I and Jonathan Scott would naturally consider them.
Again, Im not holding my breath over the prospect of Shahid Malik being brought to the kind of account a socalled Minister of State should. I shiver at the thought of this great country having bigots like him in positions of genuine authority.
Maliks finger will be hovering over the redial button to his pet lawyers at reading that word bigot. Go on, dial it. Start another libel battle! But before you do that, look up the word bigot. A person who is utterly intolerant of any differing creed, belief, or opinion.
If the cap fits...
Im sure Malik has considered the likelihood of the electorate booting him out in the spring, but strangely I doubt that hell be too concerned. Doors of opportunity always seem to open with greased ease these days for professional Muslims.
Still with the MP and the pet apologist he has installed in his office in Daisy Hill to replace Terry McKay.
Lord knows leftwing firebrand McKay and I have had our moments, but I was rather warming to him towards the end, especially when he finally couldnt stand Maliks hypocritical bullsh*t any longer and walked away.
The new toyboy signs himself as one Dathan Tedesco. Anyone mind if I nickname him Nathan Tesco?
Anyway young Tesco has fast become expert in ignoring legitimate questions about Maliks activities while waving big flags of diversion and throwing legal threats around like confetti. Tosser.
He showed his colours last week in an email where he came straight out and called Press editor Martin Shaw a Conservative activist. Funny that, because Ive read more about nuclear physics in The Press over recent months than I have about the anonymous Tory candidate Simon Reevell.
Even Malik gets more positive PR. Indeed I expect that with the Westminster gravy train having been derailed, Reevell might even be considering whether hed be better off sticking to his day job of pleading for mercy for rapists, paedos and murderers.
Tesco states: You know full well that Mr Malik has never swapped the designation of his main and second homes...
Oh no we dont. And if Malik wants to explain how 3into2 (London/Burnley/Dews
bury) works, were all ears!
He then makes a few sinister remarks about financial propriety, coming close to suggesting The Presss directors are bent. Carry on like that sonny, because we can both issue libel writs! In fact like the sow whose tit you suck off, we might even be able to find lawyers willing to try a nowin, nofee! That would be fun.
You see Tesco, The Reporter might metaphorically bend over Maliks desk and drop its panties every time he clicks his fingers, but theres still plenty of fight left here!
And while were on it, can you clear up what sort of garden fencing your boss claimed on exes, whingeing that as a Justice Minister they were a security feature. I trust that it was 8ft high razortipped steel, and not a pine lattice from the local garden centre!
A straight answer which neither of you appear able to manage would be nice.
PS: Oy Malik, this matter of claiming for the insurance on your wifes wedding ring. Where in the guidance about MPs expenses being wholly to do with exercising your duties does that fit in?
Oh hold on, I get it!
You are saying that your constituency is so full of thieving scrotes that she cant walk the streets safely without having her £8,000 bauble (bought out of OUR taxes) ripped off her finger! Is that what youre saying? Very nice.
On second thoughts it cant be that, can it? I dont know anyone who can recall ever having seen her!

OKAY, so I know this is cheating, but for all our friends who havent received a Christmas card this year, please accept this in lieu.
One of these days Ill explain why the past eight weeks have been a bit of an emotional whirlwind in the Locky household, but a number of duties have gone by the wayside.
I did manage to get the bulk of our Christmas shopping done on Tuesday and was heading into Dewsbury on Wednesday to pick up, among other things, supplies from Crosss pork butchers, including six tubs of mucky fat.
The blokes in my local have fallen in love with all things Crosss, so every time Im in town Im under orders to bring back dripping, belly pork, pies

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